Rain…
August 10, 2022
After a long week, I feel I am free now to write in this journal. I am not sure where I should start. There are a lot of things that I want to write…but I am refraining from writing. (Started listening to [[Niladri Kumar]]’s [Music/Sitar Gaze]
It had been raining the whole day. I woke up with an empty feeling in the morning. And started working to fill in that emptiness. Seems like work has been a strong [[Coping Mechanisms]] for that matter. I stayed in the office from 9 am to 5 pm, trying to write one algorithm for clustering (cc: [[UAH/Summer 22/GRA/BPS-Numerical]] ). I don’t know what I am doing…I don’t know much about anything, and that crisis is increasing ever and ever.
2 weeks back or so I turned 28. I don’t want to react to that doomed-for-life-death thing over that age matter. But I want to ensure that every bit of my life, no matter where I end, will be something I wouldn’t regret. But then, I don’t have much energy like I used to have. 28 feels like 82. And that energy-crises is not here to stop. Perhaps, I am getting old now. Old AF. A limited group of “friends”, somewhere but not here. Family in another plane of existence. My soul exists in a different version of the universe.
As the sitar cries out loud in my headspace, my emotions keep on winding down the multiverse of emotions.. This is loneliness. I know it. Not solitude. And with the rising loneliness, I am becoming more fatalistic about different aspects of life. I can’t deny it. You can’t deny it. You the reader, who could perhaps get a glimpse of this [[Mind-Cave]] in the future, or perhaps are now, know exactly where this “iteration” of Nish has to tell you… Life is inconsequential.
Life is inconsequential.. No matter what you do, there’s no denying the meaningless of it all. Even writing this stream of words right here doesn’t mean anything…I can’t imagine them amounting to anything at all. In hindsight, the world is more fatalistic as you grow older. People rant about different forms of existentialist mindsets… Existentialists take human existence and the human condition to be a fundamental issue. They tend to be radical individualists who privilege our lived experience and our passions. While Albert Camus rants about the absurdity of it all where you as first-person-observer experiences your life through The Absurd. And in doing so, you leverage the power of your “unwillingness” or uneventful attempt at mitigating it. I, for now, declare my fatalistic POV as the extreme end of my evergreen nihilistic world view.
Day in. Day out. I don’t know what the fuck I am doing. Grad school seems like a burden these days. I want to fucking done with it fast. I believe that this feeling is what most of us experience. Chains of struggles; binding and blinding your thought processes. No matter how hard you try, you are always doomed. You are always doomed…in a sense, the Meaning of life I have formed these days is just Death. (Shoutout to one of my favorites: Sheldon Solomon ). You are doomed…in the sense that death is what gives everything more meaning. Otherwise wouldn’t it be useful if you could just die like that.? Life seems more like a suffering-optimization algorithm; it converges towards the one aspect of The Absurd - death. Day in. Day out. You are suffering. The suffering-optimization algorithm is nothing but you trying to make sense of all the suffering. Life is suffering in hindsight. And you want to mitigate it by choosing – or perhaps believing – in what suffering you want to get chained into for the entirety of your life. In the long run, you are undoubtedly running in a Hedonic Treadmill. That’s all there is to it. Why do you think you are reading this journal entry? Why do you even care? Say “fuck off” loudly and be done with whatever bullshit I have to offer here. Yes, that’s you choosing to care for other forms of suffering than this one.
Day in. Day out. Loneliness, emptiness, and solitude seem to juggle here and there like a circus clown performing some sort of failed attempt at mitigating their suffering in life… (I think I will stop writing down my thoughts here for tonight. I will do it tomorrow night again. Good bye journal entry from August 10th, 2022. See you [[August 11th, 2022]]) Oh, BTW: Exactly a year back on August 8th, 2021, I released my final (5th ) track of my album Album: Eerie. The track was Music/Eerie 05 - Long Way Home which provided closure to my empty feeling of being “out of place” everywhere…
August 11, 2022
Okay. I am back to this thought process. Seems like I am in the same emotional state of being lonely.
Today was kinda uneventful too. Spent most of the hours on RA work for gene data. That’s that. After returning back to my room, I binge-watched Movie/Tanu weds manu movie series. I don’t know why, I have a big crush on Kangana Ranaut. I love her so much. After watching the movies, I am in a more winding emotional state, thinking about Love, Marriage, and life in general. This too shall pass. One of the hardest things to do after coming to the states as a grad student is to not lose your sanity to your loneliness… Frequently you’re bombarded with this existential loneliness, that you’re all on your own thing… Back at home, in Nepal, because the city/society is more “walkable”, walking used to be a better coping mechanism to curb all the absurd emotions. Here, there’s not much to do, except get drunk. Part of the problem also stems from being introverted. Too many “social interactions” is taxing. At the end of the day, you’re back to your natural state of getting existentially dreaded…that you don’t have anyone to talk to when in need. I kinda miss walking around…strolling here and there. The alleyways of Patan. The cardamom tea. The coffee spurs. Rounding around Thamel. Snowman cafe. Coffee cake. Or just observing the reality at Kamalpokhari … This is not like I miss “home” as in “home”. “Home” is where your heart belongs…
Back then was also struggling. And far out here is also a different kind of struggle. At least, this struggle is teaching me more about living an independent life. To deal with real life myself. Still, I think my worldview has become way fatalistic now. Everything I am doing…for what I have done in my life…for what? That’s the diaspora I am conflicted with these days. And any attempt at mitigating that is leading to more winding paths…. I am going to pause these thoughts for now…and get back to more… Nothing matters!