Coping Mechanisms

Coping Mechanisms

[April 16, 2021. 19:02. the weather right now in our place is so bad that I am phasing out like always.]

Listening to Another Time, Another place by Lustre.

I)

Not sure. I have been on a long hiatus to actually write proses. [0] If I wasn’t, it’d be the same old rut of emptiness and loneliness, and “Kafkaesque”ness of everything. Surely, I am cognitively biased to see only the “peak” and the “end” of all….but sometimes I wish I had a companion to whom I can talk about nothing and everything late at night. Writing had always been one of a few coping mechanisms for me. Now since I have avoided taking medics for 3+ months now, I am sure I can feel a lot better if I keep on not giving a damn about anything. Yet, A BIT YET. I am not sure if this long-lasting depression will be the end of me. It took a really BIG courage to stop caring about everything.

II)

It’s evident that struggle is eternal, and in that struggle, we tend to keep on phasing in and out through metamorphosis. [[Change is inevitable]]. Sometimes a small change makes you “satisfied” with whatever you did. And sometimes you fail to realize that satisfaction doesn’t necessarily give rise to happiness. [[Hedonic Treadmill]] has always been strong; we stream through time, endlessly browsing through memories and wishes we thought we could nourish for eternity.

Sometimes eternity is tiny. And sometimes tiny moments are eternal. Horizontal spans of life continues indefinitely.

I am sure I am not going anywhere with these absurd streams of thoughts. My hands are too fast for my mind. My laptop can’t seem to cope with its user’s fluctuations in mood. I wonder if it had a certain level of consciousness, what would it advise me to do. I wonder how my Guitar Rusty feels about me when I, sometimes, go into an orgasmic state with music.

III)

Music. Aaaah. Another coping mechanism. I wonder how people in my circle feel about the music I write. I am sure most of them hesitate to even say, “Hey, N! Your music suck. Your writing suck.” Probably they are right, or at least “correct” in my [[Mind-Cave]]’s simulation.

Probably, I have to halt this lonely train heading into a lonely station somewhere; somewhere a lonely heart stops and casually walks on another treadmill!

[0] - Probably the weather right now in our place is so bad that I am phasing out like always.