I am not sure what I am feeling right now. Listening to Music/Phool ko Aakha Ma - Ani Choying Dolma.

I feel like crying without any reason. What sort of life is it I am having? I have no idea what I have to do in my life ahead. I have lost excitement of any sort. Nothing is exciting. Last time it was exciting was meeting Aurora and going on dates with her. I guess life has to move on in whatever way it’s possible.

It’s funny how half of our lives pass by trying to create personal beliefs about the society (and the world). And the other half just streams itself trying to render ourselves into the societal beliefs. And in between, we tend to get lost in figuring out what life is all about. I wish this one time I could go out somewhere, get lost for some time and find my belongings, places where I feel I belong to, the sky where I fly like a raven, or dig deep inside the earth to uncover myself. I know this is just a phase. But this lonely heart is beating more anxiously than ever. I just hope there’s someone who would get excited even by the thoughts of me. I just wish.

Fuck, now I am crying. Fuck! I should stop writing things otherwise I am sure to go into another depressive episode.

You know, that these beliefs we have are so bizarre. I feel like I am a fraud and a belief of “Nish” I have created isn’t the core I feel I am made of.

I feel, we create our identities not how we want our inner self to be (even when we shed ourselves from this abstracted reality, that core remains as it is, what we are actually made of), but how we want other folks to see us. And in the process, I guess we lose the grip of what we are, and live our lives with these fraudulent beliefs and expectations, which seem to trap us like a hamster running on a wheel.

I guess I should probably cut off every connection I have with other people.