Solitude

[October 23, 2020. 20:27. Alienation. Fragments]

My alienation is heightened right now. I’d say it is at its peak. For the past many months, I cannot shake off the feeling that I want to move out of this house and live alone for sometime. My philosophy doesn’t quite resonate with my family itself. Surely, there’s this responsibility thing that’s binding me, and thus blinding me indefinitely. But I just can’t feel any connection. Of course, when I peek into the past and all the struggles, there’s the element of “sympathy” to everyone (including me). But I can’t just live here.

This sensation is particularly catalyzed by my father’s buying of a new car. There wasn’t any necessity except for the fact that his ego has been spiking up lately because of large chunks of income he is having. Probably, that’s the “previous generation” narrative in the play, where parents are a bit egoistic, especially when it comes to these so-called caste like “brahmin” and shit.

To be fair, I tried analyzing the buying of car. And it feels it’s just for showing off to relatives and the society. My mom hasn’t said anything and probably she’s “happy” because her husband is doing good economically. Just to give you a glimpse of this materialistic life my family adores, just know that I dislike the very philosophy of buying things out for the show-off. In the previous car, I had rarely driven for 3-4 times, back then when I was very naive.

Now, there is still a housing loan. And how the fuck the car’s narration comes into mind? These lockdown, I have seen my father’s business growing rapidly. That’s good. And probably cool. And that for the longest of the time, he might have wished to be financially strong. It’s good for the family. But, his ego is growing. I don’t talk to him much, except when correcting a few things (like when he addresses people with their caste like ‘kami’)…

I just wish I had courage to speak my heart out to the family, to clear things up. That I don’t like the growing materialism in the house.

Just a few weeks back, I told my mom that I’d move out of the house if the father bought the car. I am not sure. As days pass by, I don’t want to get burdened by the title of “rich family” and things. Just because a guy is living in his parents house, with his father driving “i20” around, doesn’t mean the guy is “rich”. I strongly digress the title. And I am afraid, I don’t have my say to this.

There has occasionally been some verbal altercation when my philosophy clashes with my family’s. I just don’t feel like “being in the home”. I wish home was like home. I wish home was full of people without ego and societal show-off. I wish home was something every members could resonate with.

I just don’t belong here. Why the fuck am I feeling so much sad even when our financial situations are improving. I am earning decently and am able to help the family. But still, why am I drifting away? What does it even mean to stay here? I have certainly done the worst possible simulations of moving out of the house for sometime. ANd I think my family would be fine with that too since I had told them a month back that I really want to live alone for sometime…

This is a weird life I am having. Time and again, I feel like it’s the moral dilemma on my side too. Should a guy just leave his family despite knowing that whatever has been because of them? Do I even have a choice? Once again, I am back to the feeling of being like Franz Kafka.

What the fuck is this life?