Solitude

[October 19, 2020. 4:17 am. Woke up from a weird dream with Aurora.]

Past 30 mins or so, I can’t shake off the feeling from this dream where I met Aurora. It has been a long time since I saw such dreams.

In the dream, she was wearing the dress like promised. I am not sure if we can actually see colors in dreams. But this one, her kurta was pinkish…I am not going to talk about that outward thing…

It felt very weird. I was hesitant to talk to her and touch her. There were times when I wanted to hug her but just couldn’t. I have no idea what we talked about but we walked a lot of distance. Randomly wandering around long distances. Playing with strange little kids in the park. Me asking for permission to touch her shoulders. It was awkward…. We talked about how she might want to get into the tech thing… Her best friend (S) also pops up at one time. I am not sure what we talked about.

It felt weird….like how dreams are always weird…. There wasn’t element of romanticism or so. But I felt she was distant..aloof while we walked….I think I tried my best to hold the conversation. There was a point where she talked about switching platforms for dating. Not sure. I can’t possibly be sure of the dream that is just replaying some of the experiences from the subconscious.

The whole dream felt like a stranger’s reunion. This is perhaps catalyzed by the SMS I sent her a few days ago saying “Take Care”. Brains are weird goo. All our wishes simulated for the sake of getting those doses of life steroids which we can’t possibly have in real life. The fact that she was wearing that dress might sum up my desire to have that walk she had promised last time during Feb 2020.

As I sit right here on my bed, with the warmth of this brown blanket, I am shivering a little. This anxiety is strange. I hadn’t have so much chilling sensation in a long time.

4:30 am.

I have this desire to send her another SMS right now. But I will refrain. Why should I? What good will it do? Except evoking more and more anxieties.

I am having another short-deep existential crises right now. This is not the usual one where I think about life, career and goals. It’s more about being alone. I shouldn’t cry right now but I can definitely feel that the tears might roll anytime soon. The whole thing is an elaborate plan from the subconscious brain to say:

“Nish! You are a sucker. A loser. A hopelessly romantic lover that’s still lingering with the past. You can’t move on even for the next few years. You will not. You still yearn for romantic dates. You still wish to do something about this ‘love’ thing. But get the fuck up. Grow up. It’s life. And being ‘you’ is hard I know. But don’t be harsh on yourself. Why the fuck do you care about love and shit?”

I am not sure. I am not sure. I am not sure. What the fuck am I doing with my life? Nothing matters!

This whole life seems to be an absurdly elaborated dream I can only think about.

4:37 am.
I should head towards roof now for solitude and coffee and more “over nurtured feelings”.