Last night I got a yearly bonus of ~1Lakhs for the year 2019. It made me kinda feel “good”.

I joined Docsumo last year during this time around (November). I had no expectation of what I would be doing. And here I am doing research/tinkering/supervising. I kinda feel “good” about working freely.

Flexible Consistency. Although there’s always this “love-hate” relationship going on because of my existential crises and lack of knowledge on many things

Finally, I am seeing my savings bump up drastically from last year. That’s a good sign. At least, “money” helps to mitigate some struggles. I know people have very high expectations of me over Docsumo, partly because they feel “intrigued” by my viewpoints towards life in general. And partly because I try to “work hard and smartly” to whatever problem I am to solve. But I know, working 9-5 doesn’t have to be the way of life. There has to be an element of investing money in other things. I am planning to open a Demat account soon. And at least invest a smaller chunk of my savings somewhere.

Of course, they say “money doesn’t buy you happiness”. And that’s profoundly true with whatever “narrative” of happiness comes to play. But, in some ways, I have felt that this financial independence has curbed certain aspects of my life. That’s fine. And I am sure you feel that way too about this.

Obviously, the general trend of our mind is to drift into the unknowns when left alone, when boredom hits us hard, when you aren’t quite enjoying your work (not just office, but other works)… And drifting into that abyss has been a type of contemplative-sad-happy type of state for me. Last night, when I saw the figures in my bank account I couldn’t help share that with my mom if she needs anything. I guess she was happy too. This morning my sister came up to me and tried “negotiating” (sibling things…) for a reserve of money she intends to have for her so-called travel to Sauraha. I guess she’s also (kinda) satisfied by my income.

These, in no way, general trends to mitigate all the personal nuanced philosophical dreads I have. But a certain chunk of life is “family life”. And rest is up to me to just drift into the unknown. And of course, having said all these, the indefiniteness about grad schools, my lack of good scores in everything, my “poor” social skills, my disregard to be in touch with “people” in general….might backfire later in life. I am not sure how I am to act on these. But for now, I let them be. I am a breeze here and there.