Moment on
[September 18, 2020. 7:01 pm in the evening. At the intersection of dusk and night…]
Neal Schon’s From this moment on as an uncompromising backdrop.
Just called it a day over the work. The work was kinda good. Not the “good” kinda good. But “good” in a way it was refreshing to implement an original algorithm of mine. That’s that. I let it be. Work doesn’t define my “self”. But that’s that…
The surrounding is calm. Birds aren’t moving around. All I see is a slow dark light juxtaposed with orange-reddish yellows in the distance.
The clouds hold a weird pattern above. The guitar solo makes me “feel”.Neal is like that. His transcendental pieces make me travel across dimensions I can’t possibly render here. I let it be.
Anxieties are turning on and off. So is my loneliness. That isn’t going anywhere. I am slowly creeping into my own solitude.
It’s certain that I want female companionship, romantic kind.
Of course, I miss Aurora. I wonder if she still remembers me sometimes. Sometimes when there’s no one, does she think of me as I do about her. Does she yearn for talking with me late at night? I can only guess and that assumption and guessing game isn’t taking me anywhere, except it makes me more anxious. It’s absurd now to even think about someone hoping that the end of the line is a beautiful soul for which I failed to tether.
What good is even life if you are always drenched in this hopelessly “romantic” fantasy of yours?
Of course, I have moved on. But that’s that. I let it be.
The song is still on repeat indefinitely like my life. But I always give in to the part around 02:00 always. The beautiful guitar solo.
The crescendo. The slide..everything fades away into my fantasy as I drift among the clouds somewhere, but not here.
I am going somewhere but I can’t actually put my mind into it.
Lights flickering in the distance. Yellow-ish. Those kinds that you yearn to spend at the bank of a swift river, contemplating….hallucinating…
Someone once said to me… Oh not once. But twice, on different occasions…that I like suffering. I get bored too quickly if life’s stale.
I am sure it’s more than the truth for me. A tautology.
All the negative emotions I have, I am not sure what other things I can think of, except thinking about life and death…and everything that happened and that can possibly happen… It’s like I am stuck in this loop like a hamster in the wheel chasing my own beliefs.
My back hurts. My thoughts are getting on my nerves with me. And I am not sure how to react to it. Work-life life is in a rut. And non-work life is basically me getting a high dose of existential dreads…kinds that you get when you realize life is just a dot in a dot.
I let that be…
A tiny fly crawls on my laptop screen right now. Possibly it doesn’t know what sort of dimension is there underneath, words entangled with bizarre thoughts that will not find any observer except paradoxical ones.
The insect is now crawling over the two newline characters…spaces that make us…spaces that lie between our reality and fantasy….
spaces filled with glimmering hopes…and recurring indefiniteness.
Someone was right; our perception of time depends on how we experience life in general. These days, seconds last too long, and days last only for a few minutes. Months feel like yesterday and tomorrow feels like a weekend.
Time is a weird thing. One moment, it feels like that night of the harvest moon was decades ago…another moment her gentle touch was from yesterday. Even if so, my perception differs, some things are constant…and some memories will fade away. Perhaps, since these days there aren’t any new memories, my mind is playing tricks on me…. Every day feels like the same day…no sense of time…
Life, as Mr B said, is like a lonely ride on a lonely train towards a lonely station. It stops nevertheless and that is all matters for now.
As my back itches, I turn around my head to serendipitously find the bluish water bottle of mine. It’s crystal clear for now.
Distant lights refracting over my thoughts and I can only overthink that refraction.
Memories are kinda like a refraction of experiences. It differs in situations, environment, and mood. On how sometimes the same memories evoke a sense of “calmness”…and how they become too turbulent other times… I let that be for now.
Neal Schon’s 6-minutes guitar piece feels like an eternity. Every loop gets even stronger and evocative….and contemplative…o
For now, I let that be…I let everything be….for life’s absurd…and “nothing really matters”. At least that’s the bet I am aiming at…