Currently it’s 9:15 pm. I am listening to Timi Malai Bhulideu from Adrian Pradhan.
I am not sure what this feeling is. This is not loneliness. Neither is emptiness.
Whatever it is, I am in a state of flux; a rough emotion of sadness-happiness.
It has been a while since someone appreciated my existence. 26 years of existence, out of which almost 70% was spent (still ticking) on contemplating things; all about the universe, life, existence, every matter there is to exist and everything that shall come. This hodgepodge of reality intermixed with an observer’s shadow could really make the observer more insignificant than anything else. A dot in a dot. Nuanced. Absurd.
And out of nowhere, Sushi sent me this letter:
Dear Nish , I am sorry that I took so long to reply almost one year , I did not know what I should be saying , I hope you are doing well and I wish you to get all the happiness , You are a wonderful soul , a paradox , a puzzle , but beautiful and I am glad I got to know you even a little , all the chaos and caffeine and confusion , you are like an art , poem…
It’s so weirdly beautiful, sad, happy. Whatever it is. I was taken aback, as if I got cut off from the main spaceship, floating in the vast space of emotions now, right here. At this moment.
It was back in September 23, 2019 when I had sent Sushi a letter, the kind that you think about when you are alone at the top of a hill, staring at the empty moonlight with a backdrop of vanishing gradients from stars glued to the sky.
I am not overthinking right now, but contemplating on this. What made Sushi suddenly send this letter? Of course, it’s her humbling experience, a form of love for me which I couldn’t really get hold of in the past. We were never meant to be together because we existed in different galaxies where communication could only be established at a certain time frame; when the pulsating star somewhere in between the two could be seen with the brightest perception, that from one side at a time.
Life surely is weird. At one moment someone (both Aurora and Sushi) is right there, present and prescient. Another moment…BOOM, a pulsating star explodes into a supernova. All you are left is the background radiation of memories; you just have to take a peek with caution, otherwise you will be left with empty floating specks of dust.
I miss both of them now. I wish I could talk to anyone about this. But then, I might be dead or alive. Whatever it is, these words are all I have got, a living abstraction of someone, a wonderful cosmic entity whose nebulous existence shall thrive as a form of energy.
Maybe “missing someone” is inherent in the nature of cosmic entities like us. But it’s surely awkward because I wasn’t like this before. Somewhere encountering Sushi had made me soft which was highly catalyzed by Aurora. Now I am confused…
I am confused because I am remembering both of them. Is this even normal? What emotions are these? Perhaps, I have always been confused about life and things that come after.
Nevertheless, whatever it is, I wish it to pass soon for I cannot live with these vague anxieties always. I have to find the spaceship and head back to my galaxy. Perhaps, there isn’t my galaxy I am expecting in this universe. Perhaps, I have to find a portal to another universe. Perhaps. Maybe. Let’s see.