7 am. After watching a video by exurb1a: How to be correct about everything all the time.
Neal Schon’s transcendental music, I can’t make you love me, as a soulful backdrop…
I’ve been having similar existential thoughts for a very long time now. As I drift here and there, I think of the situations I am in, the family and friends that love me, the people who have come and left, memories fading away and new memories to be made…everything kind of clicked while watching this video.
On a grander level, as I zoom out of all the dreads from individual life, it seems I get really terrified of thinking how humans have come to be, and where humanity is going to be. Sometimes I simply imagine a version of myself in the distant future, where science fictions of today aren’t fiction anymore. And that there can be this same feeling of being empty, dreaded, yet still alive to an individual in the future. Thinking about how the whole universe is empty, we are just another dot in a dot, and how a single dot can bring on so much energy to the entire existence makes me feel equally marvelous in all.
I’ve been too hazy, too shy, too frustrated, sometimes pissed off, sometimes lonely, and most of the time the [[Existential Crisis]] doesn’t seem to leave. As I write this, the cup devoid of caffeine, and as sunlight and this orange glowing bulb mixes, I feel my reality is juxtaposed with vague thoughts on steroids. What the fuck even I am thinking about? Who the fuck I should have conversation to with all these things locked up inside?
Sometimes I like to travel to the past I wasn’t in and feel nostalgic about days how a life thrived there, how technological evolution might have fascinated the humans of that era, how Galileo had felt looking through his lens, how Newton had felt when the “gravity” clicked his psyche, how Aristotle lived with thoughts haunting him around…This chain of thoughts can continue indefinitely in my mind-cave. One thing is sure, everyone’s life story is unique, in a sense it’s simply birth-death and “finding oneself” in between.
My heart beats faster when I zoom out to the vast surrealistic nature of universe. I hallucinate warping through space, visiting planets, thinking of when [[Interplanetary Travel]] will come to be, and how I will not have a sip of the future that awaits the entire humanity ahead. We tend to waste most of our lives, sometimes in miseries, sometimes in hope, mostly in contemplation of what our lives hold ahead. More like what “tomorrow” feels like from yesterday’s mirror. I am not sure where I am going within these nuanced words, emotions that feel overly pessimistic, and sometimes hopeful to look at.
Just zoom into yourself. You have a [[Self]] inside you, something that hasn’t changed for the longest of time. It’s not that changes are inevitable. But deep down, no matter how much things have changed, you seem to retain a part of your self tethered to your fucked up life, oscillating between miseries of yesterday and hopes that might stagnate in the future. Just look at yourself. Go in front of the mirror. Stare into the abyss, your eyes dilated like a supernova intending to burst sometime later, an error of a century. Or perhaps there isn’t an error in the calculation. Just stare at your own self and see for yourself the scars of times within you. Something to live by. Something to ponder about. You might see the scars healing, painted with grayish reality. Do you sometimes look at yourself and think “What the fuck are you doing? Don’t overthink. It’s alright. It’s going to be okay”.. But then, you realize the same repeating cycle, a Sisyphian life. Every couple of days, it’s back to the same old existential dreads. The narratives you tell to yourself. The words that rarely come out of your mouth. The shaking sensation of being alone. All crumbles back to the start every few days.
Things feel amazing when I discover something new. A guitar piece that connects directly to your soul. A thought from the ancient philosophy which you’ve been thinking for some time now. Or probably you have been having that thought for a very long time. Life is short. You know it. I know it. We know it. So, how to make use of this life? Does it even matter? Just think about you again. Now zoom into your mind-cave. Lust, love, hatred, dislike, pessimism, optimism, skills, philosophical dilemmas, empty room, growing hair, beating heart, sinus, hernia, shaking hands, blessing, closeness to people, encounters with strangers, strangers with deep respect, Deep Meaningful Conversations, hope that it’s going to be alright, fragmented reality, dispersed attention, attenuating memories, vanishing ideas, energy to be born. Just think about everything. Feel it and you will realize that whole existence merges into a distinct superposition of Life, Absurdity and Peace of mind.
[Someone who is failing to grasp time and existence]