Desires and Grad Schools

Fragment

[November 26, 2020. 19:00. Thinking about grad schools]

I am starting to have another panic attack. Vague Anxiety is spiking up when thinking about Graduate Schools.

The thought of collecting LORs is so depressing because who’d provide LORs? College life has already drifted into the unknown. A distant past. So, why does it even matter?

Mediocre guy. Mediocre skills. Mediocre in everything.

That’s me.

My GRE scores aren’t that great. Nor is my GPA.

I don’t even have a research paper to begin with to showcase my ability to do research.

No matter what people say that these things don’t matter. But they fucking matter!

And probably the fear of Rejection is also strong this time.

I have lost all the ambitious motivation like I used to have in the past.

I should also be looking into PR for Canada. But that’s that.

A lot of envious/jealous emotions and my anxieties will eat me alive.

I see a lot of people getting accepted. A lot of people with positive motivation. A lot of people with good research papers they can showcase.

But where do I fit in?

Funding might be harder this time because of COVID-19.

Plus, I have no idea which hill I should climb.
Is any attempt at climbing a hill gets wasted from finding out about the wrong hill: Climbing the wrong hill…?

Life Review Question

What should I aim for?

Do I even have any aim?

What are my ambitions?

Or rather, where are my ambitions?

Are these only my Mimetic Desires? (or Mimetic Traps)

I just wish I could get out of this pond (Nepal). I feel like I will be trapped here forever, if end is what I am waiting for.

Again, these are all my hypotheses… which are my own liabilities.