Alone and nothing

Fragment

Dear Mr B,

I find it hard to get motivated to do any tasks these days, even work. I am not sure why that is.

My internet time is mostly filled with browsing through the comment section of YouTube that has stoner+psych music. It feels as if that is the only place where people are dope AF, commenting about their experience of listening to music. I don’t even “read” anymore. Nor listen to anything. It feels as if I have stagnated for quite some time now and I don’t seem to find any “trade-off” to get out of that rut.

As I write this, I am listening to a new song I discovered (yet another psych rock). It feels like I am tripping with nothing and everything right now.

[Ampacity - Asimov’s Sideburns https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=rC3j2llUGvU]

I feel listening to the music “intentionally” is becoming my other “bad” habit.

On the contrary, it does seem that this “not-doing-anything-staring-at-the-void” has been able to curb my overthinking.

Aurora’s memories are becoming fainter, and probably – like you said – might become a distant past. Life is surely strange. I wish I could move somewhere else for some time, live alone, and just think about everything and nothing.

Now in a week, I am planning to install a solar water heater in the house. And with this growing responsibility financially, I am not sure if upcoming “life” in years will be able to handle anything. The thought of “marriage” is also haunting me lately and probably that’s unchartered territory. The more I think about it, the more I feel sad about all these absurd things in life. What happens if I deny marriage?

Also, the idea of going on vipassana for 10 days is also starting to get strong. I feel so lonely, yet that loneliness has also become another habit. Probably, I like this loneliness more than ever.

Noone,
Nish