It’s been a long time since I am awake around 2 am without any reason. My stomach is swollen badly, painful. Just had a dump. Maybe constipation? I think I have a heart problem I don’t know. I can feel very bad pain around the heart region.

While I am alive right now, I’ve been having these weird thoughts about death. Is it because of the freedom to choose to live, to be cared for, to be loved preventing me to kill myself? I am not sure.

At this hour, as the words thoughts splash by, pouring down vigorously, I wish I could talk to someone, somebody. I miss having conversations with a girl. Loneliness is seeping into the seconds as they turn into hours and phase out into another passing day.

We are a hopeless creature. Hopeless in a sense, we strive for connections, meaningful kinds. Kinds that you get when you are there somewhere in the cafe, all alone, writing your feelings, observing the world, phasing in and out, and often so jealousy and envy to connect to someone…. At the other side of this hopelessness lies a very lonely cave, a cave only few have dared to dwell in. Yet, people have often only reached the outside region, not the core where weird creatures reside. Sometimes playful. Sometimes sad.

I could keep on writing indefinitely, each raindrop sound igniting a wildfire in me. But I digress.

The pain in my chest is getting stronger. Probably, I should go visit a doctor. Who knows if I die tonight. WIll it even matter if I die right now? But then, one thing is certain - there would be people that miss me. Of course, the family would be devastated. Closest friends would be mournful. But then the world continues like anything else. It feels weird that death has been an intrinsic part in my tangled philosophical thought processes. Just today, I spent around 2 hours to create this 11 second animation as an ode to our lives being NPC mostly. But, as weird as it goes…we are the main character in someone else’s life…at least that’s the hope…and hope kinda lies…hope is like the sword of damocles…. I beg to differ in this matter.

Rain is getting stronger like these emotions. It reminds me of moments I had too.