Captured on August 19, 2021 when I was phasing in and out of the unknowns. The moon was beautiful!
DeviantArt Link: Lost in the unknowns
Editing this while listening to Paulinho Nogueira – O Fino Do Violão Vol. 2
Wrote this entry on Saturday Tea Talk over /r/Nepal/
Another week, another time loop. I have stopped writing. Distractions [4] . Yes, distractions are the only coping mechanisms. I have so few friends (0) that we are busy in our own little universes. No wonder I am trapped in the Reddit/HN/LW filter bubble most of the time. Anyway, music is also an important coping mechanism for the absurd. My fifth track – Long Way Home - Eerie 05 – (1) from my album “Eerie” got good responses. Now I am taking a hiatus to learn more about audio production, learn more about music theory and importantly get more inspiration.
Also since February, I have been feeling better. No more medics. No more cigarettes. No more “sadness” in general about life and the absurd. I think distractions have been the only way out of those usual depressive episodes. But then, anxieties are here to stay anyway. A few days back I had sleep paralysis after 2 months. Last night I had an anxiety attack because I had a sudden urge to “write”. Like it or not, writing is the 2nd important coping mechanism (might be the first too on par with music) for me to not lose my sanity. The journal I’ve been writing for the last 3+ years has grown to 200ish pages and it has turned more like a book [2]. Despite my lifestyle with solitude [3] and unhealthy relationships with a lot of coping mechanisms (for instance procrastination), I have surprisingly made it this far in life. Of course, talking with people can help. Moreover, I have learned to embrace all these shits – sometimes solitude and loneliness align – and then let go of my overthinking the next day I wake up.
I like to think everyone’s going with their own shits…but at the end of the day, I am the NPC in my own story. Observations, introspection, reinforcing my knowledge/beliefs about the world; Life is all about constantly updating our prior beliefs. That is all that has mattered throughout the 2 decades of my life! Does it matter? Perhaps a mild “yes” is a sub-optimal answer. But then a big NO is equally legit!
Footnotes
[0] - Sometimes I have this unwavering sensation that I don’t have even a single friend to whom I can call and let my everything out.
[1] - Spotify YT
[2] - Last year was the year I actually found the title for the journal. I am not saying it’s book, but more like an introspective diary from a guy who has gone through a lot of shits (sadness, financial crisis in the family, mental breakdown, <insert other phrases here>).
[3] - Of course family is always there despite knowing my situation! And how I have become less sad since Feb.
[4] - This video from Sisyphus 55 is exactly me. I am sure most of the people can relate to it.