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I wonder if most people interact with people in the social circle as a transaction i.e. transactional interactions that don’t contribute much to your life. And wonder if that’s the main cause for “not belonging anywhere”. That “nothing-works” mindset.

You “assemble” occasionally, especially in making a dish or something. Some grocery duty. Some cutting duty. You get the job done. Conversations don’t go any further except talking about “how much fun we’re having”, etc. There’s no Deep Meaningful Conversation exchange. You leave.

They don’t really talk many personal shits to you, except they do with a few other people in the group. You’re left to ponder about the inside information. You don’t really care much. But, you keep on pondering what their lives are like outside of your mind bubble.

Then a week passes by without contact. Or perhaps another few weeks. They don’t contact you about any other things. Like “what was the interesting thing in your travel”. Or “what change in view did you have while traveling”. etc. Then again, the cycle repeats. You assemble again.

…and when you’re all alone by yourself, you ponder if it’s something wrong with you that’s failing to invoke the deep-meaningful aspect of the interaction. Everyone needs reciprocation. You drive around alone. Go to the grocery. Restaurants. See people having fun. But am I?

You don’t get calls from your “friends” in the states. Nor from outside the country, much (everyone’s living their life TBH). And wonder, where would you travel and stay if you actually wanted to go traveling around. No relatives. No invitation. No money. Lying on bed. Pondering!

So, is adulthood just a big mesh of transactional connections? One night you and them, all having beer, drowning in miseries. Another month, it’s empty. No DMs. No shits. Floating state. They don’t say “Hey, how’re you doing?”…and you don’t care enough to reveal the lonely life you’re living, because life’s an insignificant transaction…

BTW: I have been binge-watching BoJack Horseman…and can’t help but introspect a lot…

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