Nightmare!
November 09, 2021. Contemplating about frequent nightmares/bad dreams I am having
I am going through a lot of shits in my life these days that I can’t even write or dare to write. Too much stress can kill a man. And I am at that breaking point. I can’t sleep properly. I can’t concentrate on anything properly. A little moment of self-consciousness, and I drift somewhere else… A mind (and body) so tired that I doze off the moment I can slip out of this reality.
How should I describe this. The stress originates somewhere between family issues, my personal “dread”ness of life and loneliness. I have been having so many frequent nightmares, that my sleep cycle is sof fucked up. Every other night, it feels as if I am about to die suddenly in my sleep. I can’t even concentrate on sleep even if I feel sleepy. 15 minutes lying on a bed, when dozing off, I get a sudden jerk; a sensation as if I am about to fall down. Goosebumps sliding up and down the psyche. Whenever I try to sleep, I get this anxiety that pulls me back from the grave and makes me more insomniac than I had ever been.
I don’t know. I feel this is some underlying “serious” condition. I should probably see a doctor. I did a little self-diagnose – you know how it is with that – which concluded that I have PTSD. Perhaps that’s true. Even greater than true. I can feel it that every waking hour I stress everything about my life which is a side-effect of issues I have tolerated throughout my life. I don’t know. Life could have been so much better if only I had someone to share this deeply, in an intimate manner…perhaps with a girl…lying somewhere in her lap and trying to let out all my anger/sadness/dreadings. How I wish…
Here are some of the dreams. I have tried to make it as clear as I can/could think after waking up.
Nightmare 1
Me sitting/living in our old/previously rented flat in Chapagaun Dobato. A stranger comes inside the gate. Tries to knock on the door. Tries to open windows. The wall crumbled. The house starts to fall.
Nightmare 2
Me and some of our classmates from IOE-BCT-069 are on top of the hill. Perhaps a cliff? There’s one suspension bridge that connects to another cliff. It’s a long way down the gap that touches a large river. We start to walk on the bridge. Suddenly the bridge collapses. We are barely hanging on the rope of the bridge. We are swinging
Not sure. The bridge turns into a wild swing…swirling around a small island in the middle of the large river. We are swirling around…I think I am the 2nd person at the end of the rope down. We have one life jacket. (We were so fucked up, I guess). Not sure. There seems to have been some rescue team at the river side. But the swing is swinging so rigorously that we don’t think we will survive. We make one round. Another round. Still we fail to get rescued….
(…and I woke up)
Nightmare 3
(This was the most terrifying one, the most recent one)
I am in some school/college. I don’t know what it is. It’s not Pulchowk campus. The class ends. I see Sankalpa (I think). I also get one badge from nowhere. (You know how dreams are!). There’s one guy who is following me. I pretend to not see him.
Outside of the compound of the college, there’s some rally. A large group of students marching down the road. The road is steep uphill. I avoid the rally. I see another guy in the crowd following me. I go up the road. It’s a steep road. At the top, I catch my breath. The guy suddenly comes at me and tries to stab me with a pin in my chest. I try to avoid. (It might have been a fight). I throw the guy off the road into an open ground. The road is high. So, the guy might be unconscious. I am scared.
I am scared as I was about to get stabbed. I run away. Beyond a few blocks, I see a policeman. I describe everything about the situation. After a short rest, the policeman and I get out of there to find the guy. We can’t find him. Instead there is another guy in a short distance away who is grinning at me. The face is familiar (in the dream, not in the reality) I think.
Suddenly I am in the college compound. Some describes to me that the badge I have isn’t about some revolution, but represents hatred, banned culture or something like that…
(..I woke up…)
These bad dreams I am having have one single thematic interpretation: about my death. Or in a vaguely described monologue: “A storm is coming”. Of course, any attempt at such interpretation of dreams is absurd and futile. What should I make of these? I wake up in the middle of night, chest pounding hard. What the fuck is happening with my mental state?
I don’t know why. I haven’t told this seriously to anyone except Bijay and Prakash dai. I should probably go see a neurologist. I am getting more and more anxious these days thinking about sleep and having to get more nightmares. This vaguely reminds me of Gaara from Naruto manga/anime where he couldn’t sleep because of one-tail Shukaku who would take over him if slept.
I don’t know. Such fucked up is my mental condition. I can’t even work properly. I doze off in the middle of the day. And whenever I try to take a nap, I have this sudden jerking of the whole body (like a falling motion) and I wake up. Gives me goosebumps every time I decide to nap.
Fuck!