I am weirdly trenched in my solitude. Not contacting anyone. Just lost in my own bubble.

A few weeks back my parents had a big fight. Not sure why. I didn’t care enough to interrupt their adult lives.

In the whirlpool of rage, sadness and dissatisfaction, I had politely requested them to divorce if they want to.
(I guess that’s also me being impulsive sometimes…getting overflooded my own emotions…)

I told my father that I’d want to live independently for sometime. I think I have lived long enough with family but can’t quite get connected to anyone.

I know Love is a big, weird and vague word. Sometimes I feel sorry for myself to not showing feelings or empathizing when my mom rants about how I am always tied in front of the screen.

But that’s the story for some other time.

Out of that rage, I went out of the house, overlooking all these COVID-19 situations.

I walked to Patan. Got myself hooked into my adda; a sublime and dark place painted with yellow lights.

Strangely enough, I was exhausted because of the long walk. Sun sucked out a lot of my fucking energy.

And there was I having puffs of cigarettes after a very long time. It helped me a lot I guess.

I was sure I wouldn’t smoke for sometime. But nothing helps.
I have noone to talk to about these things. Emotions are locked among these words…which I guess are turning into abstractions of their own. Perhaps, the normal Sishyphian life is good than having nothing.

I thought of every possible situation my life could stream into. And yet…here I am trying to make sense of all the absurdities.

Trying to live.

If life didn’t matter…I’d have simply taken my life a long time ago. But there’s this strong force within me to live. To not give a shit about anything…and live my life..
To comfort myself. The creatures in my mind-cave are there. They have accepted me. And so do I.

If you ask me: why even push yourself?.

I don’t know. I am just another dot in a dot.

As I write these words under the yellow light, I find myself constantly thinking of death.
The colors are hazy. The world seems gray. And my emotions fluctuate among those mysterious shades. Nevertheless, it’s better than being in the dark completely…

Perhaps, Death does give a profound meaning to life itself.

(Weirdly enough, I am slowly turning into a disconnected “entity” again. Perhaps, I am overthinking too much…)