The lake is crying

I know if I reread and re-evaluate this stream of thought, I might have less harsh tone than what it is. It’s all coming from a very aching heart. Not blaming anyone. Just Nish being harsh on himself. That’s it. No frustration. No anger. Just heart-ache. And the heart-aches are the worst kinds of pain.

(At a lake. Drove an hour to Guntersville Lake. Alone myself, tearing up. My heart is broken truly, just like that, crumbled into pieces. Crying so much…)

To sum up, what I’m going to write, I feel like I’m the most misunderstood character in this whole timeline of universes.

Day in and day out I struggle with great misery that my life isn’t enough to make me feel good. That everything feels full of suffering. Why do I feel all these emotions? Pain. Dissatisfactions. Trauma. And rarely happiness. I live each day as if it’s my last day. I try to understand the world and my inner self. But in the end, I feel truly miserable.

This heartache. Tears roll down while the roughness of the waves in the lake come and go, but I oscillate within my thoughts. I’m the most misunderstood person. I don’t belong anywhere. I feel deeply lonely. No one to talk to about these feelings. When I need someone, nobody is there.

Especially when you feel like you haven’t been understood enough by the person that you love so much. The world is quick to react, eager to judge, and time and again I find myself tangled in these mesh of misunderstanding, always me trying to repair the broken chains. But who’s there to hold this aching heart gently and tell it that it’s okay to feel so much?

This morning I was so excited to talk to the octopus lady. But she was late. I didn’t say anything except go down this rabbit hole of how to improve task planning for ADHD people, especially ADHD in women is so difficult because of all the hormonal rollercoaster they go through (attributing to periods, PMS, and whatnot). I am okay with people being late within a tolerable amount of time. But I am not okay when there’s a repetition, patterns of such. I’m not okay when the person whom you love so much tries, yet fails to adhere to this punctuality. I’m not okay when I’m being blamed for things I haven’t done or when I’m being shut off the doors without being told reasons. I try so much to put myself in someone else’s shoes. Empathy is my greatest weakness and I can’t let go of it.

I value my time. And I don’t like when people don’t realize the value of my presence and my time. If you are supposed to meet me at a specific point – date, partner time, whatever – you try to adhere to it. Plan beforehand and have a mindset that this time is important, not brush it off as me being there at face value. Of course, my love for people allows me to not get frustrated easily. My facial expressions could mislead showcasing I’m “done” but that’s not true. I want to make a point saying how time management is the greatest skill anyone could have and I’d move stars to assist anyone to do that. Funny thing – being hypocritical – I suck at this too and yet I try. Trying is good.

It’s hard for me to love and get attached easily to anyone. And especially if I love someone dearly, romantically, and whatnot, I’d do anything to assist them to help them grow so much. This means being vocal about rampant issues, and recurring patterns. And I also try to reformulate solutions to that. If they think this is me arguing, I’m sorry I’m again being the misunderstood character a cosmic being has written about. I do so much. I have so much to offer, yet it makes my heart ache when nobody is out there to listen to me.

Day in and day out this deep loneliness…I don’t know how to express it. Living alone for the past 2 years or so, loneliness heightens once I’m in my mind-cave. I eat alone. I go out alone. I drive alone. I go to a dinner restaurant alone. How lonely can it get? And yet, the person whom you love so much doesn’t even stop for a while and listens and shits on you like you’ve done a mistake while you haven’t. Of course, I am being harsh here while writing because my heart is aching so much. But I’m not blaming anyone.

I feel like I’m to be blamed. My issues are to be blamed. But should I be blamed for things I haven’t done? The world might say otherwise but at the end of the day, the only kind of things I live with are my issues, my loneliness, and my suffering. And it pains me that nobody has truly tried to understand me.

This morning I waited for an hour while also formulating some time plans and threads and yet she shut me up just like that. I’m not playing the victim. She has her own issues. But it’s not okay when you say you’re very gentle and kind and empathetic and yet you fail to feel your lover’s heart sometimes. We are all mirrors of our thoughts. If you think whatever the world is doing is kind, you react and blend with it with kindness. If you think it’s hatred, you’d be reacting and feeling hatred. Love for love. Kindness for kindness. A mirror of your own. A cave of mine.

I can’t even breathe properly right now because of this crying. The lake feels my pain. The lake knows. I just want to feel good. I want my existence to be acknowledged. That I matter. That I feel so much. That my time and values are valued. I don’t want to be feeling that I’m to exist at face value in someone else’s life. I don’t know how to articulate. My life truly feels Kafkaesque. I try so much for everyone, for the world, and yet in return I get is more and more misunderstandings. I’m exhausted trying to reason about my opinions, while also being open to updating such priors. I’m exhausted from trying and trying and trying to make the world love me. I’m in pain thinking about this deep sense of existential pain. I’d like to play the “nothing matters” narrative but in hindsight love matters. The time I spend and give love to someone else matters. The trying-ness I do for someone else matters. And it hurts being feel misunderstood.

I’m not blaming anyone. I’m blaming myself for existing in this world truly. The loneliest creature in the universe just wants to not exist…

(Returned from the drive an hour back. And fell on bed and cried again. )

I can’t seem to stop this aching heart. Tears roll down. It feels like the universe itself is blaming for things I haven’t committed. All I ever did was love, and more caring. And this is what I get in return: A kafkaesque world of Nish where the world keep on being harsh, misunderstand his existence, judged and not appreciated for what he has to offer. This heart aching so badly that I want to rip it off the chest, squeeze it hard and be done. But the Heart beats. The Heart aches. The Ache continues. And the Continuity can’t stop. (And waits for the reconciliation and gentle hug.)

I don’t know how to stop this ache anymore. I let it be. The night is lonely.